Monday, April 25, 2005

a not too happy crappy story

Acidman is running a carnival of the crappers, so maybe a shitty
story can be my ticket to being linked by other blogs. (can you say
instacoonass?) Here's my entry:

I was working on a drilling rig in colombia, and I apparently ate
something that didn't agree with me because I started with full
on diarrea. It got so bad that when I tried to drink some cold
water to replace all the fluids I was losing, I crapped it out 2 minutes
later, still cold. This was really bad because I was supposed to fly
back to Bogota the next day, then fly to Dubai, and I was afraid to
move more than 5 feet from a toilet.

I finally ate enough immodium that I corked up and I flew back to town.
The next day I had a 10 hour flight on lufthansa to germany, then
7 hours to dubai. Stupid me, I forgot my precious immodium pills. I
was in the middle of 5 seats, so at the precise moment the seat belt
sign went off I had to dash to the bathroom, and I could hear the little
german kid next to me say something like "der fatguy has der
shitenkopfs", and then start laughing.

After 10 hours of this (I hold the lufthansa record for time spent in
bathroom), I'm trying to get my stuff and get off the plane, and when I
opened the overhead my computer bag slides out and lands right in the
seat where the little german kid was sitting. Luckily he was standing up,
so I didn't crush him with my 10 pound IBM, the little kid says something
like "der fattenshittenguy crushenmeheaden" and there were all these angry
aryan looks all around me. Luckily, I got away and found out to my relief that
the german word for pharmacy is kemist, and the german word for
immodium is immodium.

I finally did make it to dubai, where I thought I was going to get to sleep
for 20 hours, instead I had to ride to abu dhabi, and sit in the least
productive meeting I've ever been in. Everyone else was discussing
moving equipment, and all I could think of was (homervoice) hmm,
clean bathrooms (homervoice off)

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